Death by Christmas Cookie

I just spent $196 at the grocery on sugar.  Well, sugar in all its forms.  Ok, to be honest, I also bought:

  • one head of lettuce
  • quart of milk
  • blue cheese
  • 2 toiletry items

Everything else I bought is an ingredient for a Christmas cookie — basically sugar and fat.  

Sugar, corn syrup, chocolate chips, butterscotch chips, peanut butter chips, molasses, sweetened condensed milk (what is it, exactly?), butter, margarine, Crisco and vegetable oil.  With a few extracts and spices thrown in.

And as I don my eBay-procured Christmas apron and encourage my family members to put on theirs (inexplicably no one likes the one with kittens and Christmas calendars), I think about all the people I am baking for.

And I wonder if I am killing them.

Every year we bake and bake and bake, groaning under the weight of jimmies and dragees, almond paste and rum, walnuts and jam… and we feel like we are doing something fun and kind to hand off a plate of homemade goodies (I only permit that word to exit my fingers once per year) to a selected list of folks.

Yet because I’ve been doing a bit of nutritional reading this year (thus having detailed facts and photographic evidence of arterial plaque to complement my “common knowledge” that eating lard is not the best idea), I approach the holiday baking frenzy with mixed feelings.

Truly… if I am having to pray “lead me not into temptation” as I bake so as not to lick the spoon or eat half of the batter raw, and if I end up with a massive headache and a sense of a hole being burrowed into one of my molars after I do eat the cookie dough (or finished product), how much of a favor am I doing those recipients of our intended largesse?

Do they receive the cookies and think “I didn’t know the Umhaus hated me!  Why else would they poison me?”  I gotta rethink this tradition.  

But where or when else would I wear my frilly eBay Christmas aprons or what would I give for gifts?  

 Sometimes I hate the truth.

~ by Cary on December 10, 2008.

One Response to “Death by Christmas Cookie”

  1. my aunt’s name is UMHAUS Adelheid and she lived in London, Manchester Street. I wonder, that this family name is part of the story above. Can you tell me, why?

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